Ranin is an alter ego. She’s still me. I’m still Ranin.
I made a mistake of putting myself in danger because I contacted someone using this alter ego. I had to deactivate my Facebook account, delete my Gmail account and hide this blog.
I was scared.
I had done something to someone that made me want to hide for a while.
I will not get into details now, but might share the story later.
Point is, I’m back, and I want to write, share, explore and live.
Maybe this is just another pathetic and sad entry about how no one likes me.
I’m an average girl. I’m not too young, yet not too old. I’m still in my twenties, but why do I have to reach the age of thirty to think that I’m such a pathetic loser who’s now too old and tired of this dating game?
Many women my age find a husband in a second. Most of my high school friends are married. Hell, one of the main reasons I don’t have many friends is because most of my friends are now married, or a in a very good relationship, to hang out with me. Married people don’t find time for anyone. They have the time for everything, but they only want to do it with their spouse and the in-laws.
I’m not actually looking to get married. It’s definitely not my mission in life. But I do want a relationship: Long or short, successful or not, I want someone to love me.
Not just anyone. I’m not being too picky, but at least there should be basic attractions and further admiration. I can’t be involved with someone I feel nothing to, I think that’s harsh.
But every guy I “kind of” like ends up being an asshole: interested only in fucking me and walking away. They make up this crap of being attracted to my personality also, but they’re not in a place where they can actually date or have a relationship.
That’s just bullshit. Some of them end up being married a year later to some random average girl, who’s so different than me.
It happens every time I feel attraction to a guy. I like him, we go out, we laugh we share some fun and nice moments, we find things in common, we might kiss, or not, that depends, and that’s it. Either we have sleep together and that’s it, or we just stop seeing each other. Why? Why does it have to be this way? What is it about me that screams “only fuckable”?
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t pretty or attractive. So I can work more on my personality and when feeling bad about not being admired or liked, I’ll just blame it on my looks. “Is it because I’m ugly/fat?” Is easier than “what the fuck is wrong with me?”.
I come with a package, like everyone else. Why does my package stays with me and I have to tolerate the fact that no one actually wants to be with or my package? They all want me, so badly. But no one wants to be with me. And that’s the nature about being alone. That’s how lonesome can make you a looney.
Few years ago when I honestly liked a guy, he said to his friend “men would kill for her body, including me. Her face isn’t that bad. But it all boils down to personality.”
It’s the personality that hasn’t changed.
And it kills me.
So, it’s just a random day at work. Trying to figure out what I’m doing exactly. This job is not for me, but does it matter? I’m getting paid anyway. And it will be fine. If I lose this job I’ll go on finding another one. It will be fine.
I never spoke about my career, work or any job I had on this blog. And I won’t. I will only say that I’m currently working at an office. Doing a job that is not for me , nor something I want to pursue as a career in the future.
And there is a guy at work. He’s not that good looking, or attractive, or anything special. He’s just a guy. He and I are different, we have different life styles and we hardly have anything in common. Sometimes I get bored at the office and talk to him. He’s nice and friendly. And then… I meet his dirty side. He wears a cross around his neck, he has a tattoo that says something for Jesus. He’s a Jesus freak, and I’m an atheist. But he’s dirty too… how come someone as devoted to Jesus can have a very dirty mind and too much sexuality to share?
But you see, that’s the thing, because he’s very sexual, and dirty, I want to be sexual and dirty with him. Nothing more, nothing less. That’s all.
I want him purely sexual, I just want to sleep with him and that’s it. It feels weird to have these feelings. I know that when it comes to sex I always imagine love, true love, and more attraction and passion. But apparently that never works out for me. So maybe, for a change I should enjoy my sexuality more and do things more purely… sexual.
Thing is, with this guy, I don’t want to get to know him, date him or even have feelings for. I don’t want him to have feelings for me. I just want him to satisfy me sexually.
Basically, the best way to behave to a man is to make love to him if you don’t fancy him and to another if you do. This is safe, no attachment, no getting hurt and just pure sex. At least you can keep doing that until you find the right love, and make real love.
So, yeah… this feeling is weird and new for me. To only want the guy sexually. But it’s empowering. It makes me feel in control, and that I can just own him. Not really own him, because he’s not mine, but there are that time, I can just use him and enjoy him. And the best part is, he knows, he knows exactly what I think, what I want and what I need.
Main worries about this situation: 1. I don’t want anyone at work to find out, it will just cause problems, for both of us. 2. The idea that even though he had slept with hundreds of women, that doesn’t make him good in bed. I haven’t yet slept with him, but we tried some stuff, and I wasn’t impressed. How important that part can be? 3. Will he still respect me after all that?
I know for a fact that many men (not most, but many) want to sleep with me. That is a fact I know and surely it took me a while to deal with it.
A lot of men I meet want to have a piece me of, a piece of my body, and yet I know that none of them want a piece of my heart. Why is that? why men would never really like me for who I am, but like me for what I look like?
They all want a piece of me, they all want to sleep with me.
Oh yeah! they fantasize a lot.
They think they can please me, because they have this need to be inside me, but not really inside me. How is that even possible?
They want me. They want to have a great piece of me.
They see me walking, they look. They stare, because I’m walking for them, not for me. I’m modelling, not clothes, but my body.
They all want a piece of that.
A lot of people wonder why I am single. My mother and grandmother wonder when will I get married and have children, but I’m too busy dealing with “now” so I don’t really want to talk about my mother’s wishes.
I have wrote before on how difficult it is to find a boyfriend and have stated the reasons. post here. Whenever I find myself attracted to someone wanting to be with someone they simply do not accept me for who I am, and want me to change. And I can’t really change who am I, can I? And if I can, I don’t want to? why would I want to be someone I am not.
In my dating life, there are two options, actually, three: 1- change my personality or looks or lifestyle. 2- be alone or lonely. 3- be with someone I don’t even like.
Am I shallow? or proud to choose to be alone? or lonely, you can call that whatever you like.
Part 1 – Part 2 (were published a year ago)
End of November:
He makes contact to apologize and confesses the hard time and troubles he was facing.
She’s mad.
She asks if he ever loved her. He said “Sure I did. and that’s why I’m apologizing right now”
She doesn’t know whether to believe him or not, but she does, because she’s still in love with him.
He says that he still doesn’t want a relationship, because it’s a huge commitment for him, but still he “can love”
They meet again, she confesses that she has loved him, and he talks about his life. He tells her he also have feelings for her and he loves her.
All she had to know that he loves her and that he apologized to accept him back in her life.
The relationship issue, she thought, can be solved. Right?
I’m sick of writing this story. And I apologize for it.
Thanks for reading.
THE END
So Valentines is approaching, and I’m single, once again. Why is it so difficult to find love now a days?
Maybe it’s just me, when I fall in love, I get hurt and can’t fall in love again. Am I doomed to be unrequited lover? But I’m a girl, I can’t be that all the time. And I can’t write poetry about it all the time, it becomes tiring.
Maybe I should just wait till I’m 30, and in the meantime I just do other stuff, like practicing witchcraft.
A girl got to start a new year in order for her to start her life all over again. Unfortunately I can’t travel and start a new life, somewhere else, or have a new lifestyle . But I can think of a new beginning and new dreams. I can think of a new method of thinking and making decisions.
I have to admit I have had a good year for my career, it wasn’t great, but it was a good start for me, and this blog seems to be an example of my success. But emotionally and sexually, this year was terrible. I have been badly injured where a woman shouldn’t be injured. I have suffered and I’m not sure when will the pain stop, but I have responsibilities in my life that forbid me to be pessimistic and depressed all the time.
In order to take control over my responsibilities, I have to have a new beginning, a new way of looking at things and I wish myself, before others, a very happy new year.
We live in a society where family is the most important thing. “No matter what happens, your family is all you’ve got”, Mothers would normally say. Is it true? Well, yes, it is, partly because most of us live with our families or close. I live with my family, still, but recently I have started to think that I’m actually independent. Sometimes my family helps me financially, but when it comes to myself and my own judgment I don’t need my family to affect my thinking and living.
When I was a bit younger my mom thought she could control my life and when she disapproves of my choice of friends she would say “cut your friendship with them”. Does she has the right to so? No, I can make my own decisions and mistakes. Yes, family is the only thing I will always have. I can lose my friends, but my family I will never lose, that’s for sure. But beyond actual crisis, do they have the right to make decisions for us?
A friend of mine tells her parents whom she’s seeing and they immediately disapprove and forbid her to keep the relationship on, they don’t care if this guy is good for her or not, they just disapprove basing their argument on shallow reasons like his family or his name or any other.
I know that I will never tell my parents of any guy I’m seeing until i become serious about him and consider marrying him, that’s for sure. I know this sounds like I’ll be doing things “behind their back” but to I can’t deal with the pressure they give. Just to save troubles for myself, I’d better keep a distance from my family, they don’t have to be too involved.
Finding a boyfriend for me is a difficult thing to have, even though it should be easy (yes, I think I’m very attractive, but looks aren’t important, right?). Why it should be easy? because there are plenty of fish in the sea. Is there though? okay, so why it is difficult to have an actual boyfriend?
1 – Men I find interesting and I’m attracted to HAVE to get back to their home planet (country)
2 – Men I find interesting and I’m attracted to DO NOT want a relationship
3 – Men I find interesting and I’m attracted to are already taken
But then, there are other fish in the sea. There are really nice guys out there that are so interested in me, why don’t I go for them?
1 – They don’t attract me
2 –Â Too simple and aren’t sophisticated or smart enough
3 – Annoying
But then, it all goes down to the main reason of why it is so difficult to have a relationship : Fear of real commitment. Commitment creates boundaries: what if I want to work in the big city or another country? would men (Arab men) even consider leaving their place for their partner?
Therefore I shall remain single till I settle down and surround myself with smart and sophisticated single men.
I’m pretty sure we have met all these kind of people, and we see them being hypocrites all the time. In my experience it makes me really, what’s the word I’m looking for? maybe upset?
I strongly hate fake people, and yes I like showing my hatred toward those who hurt me by their fake personality. We, people, can all be fake sometimes, but it takes a lot of courage to admit how fake we are in some certain situations. I for one, can easily say that I have been a fake friend from times to times, and it bothers me that I was and acted that way. If I can go back in time I would want to end my relationship with my friends that I didn’t really like. I didn’t know myself back then, I didn’t have friends and I needed people to be around me. But after I got hurt by people I desperately wanted to be with, I know now, that friends should be real people. Now, fake friends should be ancient history, since my real friends are by my side, not hurting me, but helping me.
Now there is an incident I have had a year ago, now that I recall it, it makes me, simply sad. I have had met someone who was trying to show how real he is, and it took me a while to trust him, because I usually take my time to trust people. after gaining my trust, this person started with his hidden habit: becoming a hypocrite. And as time goes by, his hypocrisy grows. At one point I thought I only see him as a hypocrite and that might make me a hypocrite myself, but I like to ask, how can I be a hypocrite while I only show who I am? I have given a chance to this person, and to have tried seeing him in different angles, but eventually, with all the trust I gave him, he simply hurt me, and continued his life, with his hypocritical actions every day. I suppose that’s the way he lives, by being a hypocrite, and if he stops being a hypocrite he dies.
Very recently I have learned that this hypocritical person has been showing extreme hatred and anger toward people who are fake. That simply makes me angry; he, the most ‘fake’ person I know, showing hatred to his kind? what does that make him?
Even though it’s quite pathetic to think about reasons why men tend to run away while they try to get to know me. men are different from women and they tend to have no reason when they lose interest. I have always expected guys to give reasons when they stop talking to me while I quite foolishly keep liking them. Guys don’t give reasons, they keep things to themselves, do we do the same? Sometimes we do. When we lose interest in guys and stop talking to them, they inquire after the reasons, and we feel obliged (out of respect) to tell them the reasons. While when guys lose interest they don’t have to explain themselves.
Sometimes I like to think of the reasons why men tend to lose interest in me. It’s somehow pathetic that I waste time thinking about that, but one has to know – if the problem is me or them. I do confess there are times when I’m the problem and the one who has faults that keep men away, as you see, for some men I’m not the girl they want to be with. Other times, it’s not me, it’s them, they have other expectations. There is one more reason why men usually lose interest: they are intimidated. I know myself well enough to assume that I’m a sophisticated woman with a good package. Some who know me may not agree, but I know myself better than anyone. Even though I’m still young (early 20s) I know in time I’ll be successful, for I achieve to be successful. I’m ambitious and in time I have gained some intellectual superiority. Forget that, some men don’t even know that I’m ambitious and they are still intimidated by me. It is a well known fact that a lot of men are intimidated by smart, powerful and successful women, even though some of them hate to admit it. I like to think that it’s not only the powerful women that are intimidating but the fact that even a normal woman, with no career, no money can be intimidating when it comes to personality and life style. Men are intimidated by open minded women, women who are creative, rebellious, out of the ordinary, having certain interests.
I have met a guy that I found nice and sweet, I was extremely busy to talk to him more often, and apparently that was not the only reason he has lost interest, but also because he was intimidated by me, he is an Arab that cannot speak English better than me, he doesn’t read books more than I do, and he doesn’t know extraordinary things beyond the Arabian daily life. Not only this guy has lost interest in me for these reasons, but a lot of guys have walked out early on for the same reason. If I want to get a boyfriend that will keep an interest in me, I have to be less interesting and more ordinary and sweet.
Some men cannot handle women who are untamed and refuse to be tamed, that is a fact. They don’t have the time to tame a girl, they want to have normal relationship and be done with complexity. A woman is intimidating if she’s sophisticated. Thus she has to do nothing, be nothing to get everything, and the man.
Sex and the Arab Woman 