Six years

It was six years ago when I started blogging about sex (and relationships). I had no idea what I was doing, and I still don’t. I had no experience and I was still  a student at the University.

Today, I’m nearly thirty, and talking about sex and relationships is much more privillaged than back then. When I was in my early twenties I was eager to explore, feel and write about my new experience. But now, I’m tired, and I’m not yet in my thirties. I’m tired and even when I think about sex, relationships, or even love, I’m tired and I somehow feel like giving up. But I’m just weak, and I should be stronger and continue living and exploring.

Six years ago I was naive, and I thought I knew everything. Now I know nothing, but I can write about it proudly. I lack experience simply because I had a lot of bad experience. Thing is, I can’t keep measuring time with experience, good or bad. Six years have indeed passed, not because I have experience, but because time keeps going. And either ways, we are going to have experience, it simply tags along. It doesn’t matter what kind of experience it is, it’s still an experience, a journey we always take in life, whether we’re ready or not, or whether we’re enjoying it or not. We keep on living. Some of us, like myself, wish to write about it.

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Important Elements in relationships

Dating is not easy, let alone having a good relationship.

I’m a single woman in my late 20s, (I started this blog when I was in my early twenties), time flies, and as we grow up, we repeat the same experience, look at it differently and come out with the same conclusion.

I’m still single, and I’m finding difficulties understanding why. I look around me and find out that there are two reasons I’m single:
1- I hardly fall for anyone. 2- When I like a guy he’s always not good for me.

So this got me thinking about relationships and the beginning of every relationship and how any relationship can work out. I ended up with four main elements that I think are crucial for any relationships. Two of them are somehow superficial, and the other two are essential. Those elements come with forms of questions:

1- Do you find the person good looking?
This is a very superficial question, but some how I can’t be with someone I don’t find attractive in terms of appearances. I’m not looking for a gorgeous hot man, I’m merely looking for a man I can look at and think “he’s cute.” Even when other people think that the person I’m seeing is not that cute, at least for me, I want to look at his picture, pr face and think that I like that person, not that I’m only trying to like that person.

2- Do you like the way that person walks and talks?
Physical appearances are one thing, but charisma is another. Some men aren’t good looking but you can easily be attracted to their persona,not personality in particular, but the way they act, talk, sit, walk, etc. Sometimes men can look so gorgeous on their Facebook profile picture, but once you hear them talk you’re immediately turned off.

3- Do you have a good chemistry with that person?
In other words, can you be good friends? do you have awkward silences or do you click? Do you enjoy their company? Do you connect well? All of this is important to be in a good relationship with someone, and be content with what you have.

4- Is that person good for you?
This is somehow the most important question. Is that person treating you well? is he a good person around you? Is he a good match for you? Will he be good for your future (together or just your future)?

For example, I once had the first three elements: I was seeing a guy that was gorgeous, I was attracted to everything in him, and we somehow clicked, but he was horrible for me.

I once met a guy that I didn’t particularly like his looks, not the way he acted, I didn’t find him attractive in looks or personality, but we had a good chemistry and somehow I thought he could be good for me. After a week I realized I couldn’t date him, I was just not into him.

I once met a guy with all of the elements, but he wasn’t available:
I thought he was nice looking, I was very attracted to the way he talked, walked and all, we had a great connection, and he was amazing to me, and somehow we could have a great future, but, he was taken, and there was no room for me. Therefore, nothing happened.
For this I need to add another element: 5- Timing. Is the time right?

But then again, in relationships, things aren’t always so simple. Nothing is perfect, and we end up meeting the wrong kind of people, and we can manage to make them work. Sometimes we’re not attracted to a certain person, but once we give them a chance, we can’t keep our minds away from them. Sometimes, everything is perfect and nice, but we end up doubting the whole relationship and falling for something less perfect.

When it comes to the matters of the heart, there are no fucking rules, and we have to live with that.

 

 

Reblog: The Secret Language of Narcissists: How Abusers Manipulate their Victims.

I read this article on Elephant Journal and I would like to share it here.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/03/the-secret-language-of-narcissists-how-abusers-manipulate-their-victims/

I really find myself been with a narcissistic partner/lover and that nearly killed me. It took me a while to understand this, and now I know what kind of abuse I was going through, so here you go.

Narcissistic and partners with Antisocial Personality Disorder engage in chronic manipulation and devaluation of their victims, leaving victims feeling worthless, anxious and even suicidal. This type of continual manipulation, which includes an idealization-devaluation-discard abuse cycle where they “lovebomb” their partners, devalue them through stonewalling, gaslighting, smear campaigns, verbal and emotional abuse, then discard them until the trauma begins again, also known as narcissistic abuse—abuse by a partner with NPD or on the far end of the narcissistic spectrum.

Their manipulation is psychological and emotionally devastating and very dangerous, especially considering the brain circuitry for emotional and physical pain are one and the same. What a victim feels when they are punched in the stomach can be similar to the pain a victim feels when they are verbally and emotionally abused, and the effects of narcissistic abuse can be crippling and long-lasting, even resulting in symptoms of PTSD or Complex PTSD. Needless to say, this type of abuse can leave psychological and emotional scars that can last a lifetime.

The five men theory

I once heard of a guy who has a theory or a habit that is called “The five women”. He tends to date five women at the same time. This guy likes to date and go out with many women at the same time. He was a classic womanizer and he enjoyed it. He had issues with commitments until he was in a serious relationship, and he got married. Turned out he is in an open marriage.

But what does that have to do with anything?

 

I decided to apply his give women theory on my lifestyle.

After dealing with lots of disappointment, and dating disappointing men, I’ve decided to try out the five men theory. Which implies to dating five men at the same time. In other words, leave my options open. Say I like a nice guy, and it’s going nice but slow, I’m not obligated to date only him, if someone else wants to hang out, I shouldn’t say no. Keep it simple and limited to only five men.

Since I overreact and go crazy when I start dating someone new. Let’s not mention obsessed, I decided to deal with this habit by occupying my mind and time with five men. This way when one of the five bastards breaks my heart, instead of crying  I’ll just move on to and with the remaining four and at the same time occupy myself with finding a fifth guy to complete the circle.

I know I sound slutty and a cheater with coming up with this theory. But the five men theory ends with a serious relationship.

It’s not my fault that men only like taking it extremely slow with me. There’s something about me that scares them and pushes them away, so here, at least I’ll have five men to push away and remain cool with myself.

 

Wish me luck.

Happy not a mother day

Being a mother is a choice, not a duty.

Being fertile isn’t a choice. Getting your period is always a torture and by all means not a choice.

Yes, I still complain about my period, getting it every month isn’t something I look forward to, but the PMS before always begs for it. And sometimes, most times when I’m sexually active, I beg for my period.

The fear of getting pregnant is one of my great fears, I am NOT ready, by all means. I don’t have the money to support a child, I don’t have the money to support myself as a single mother, and I don’t have the guts to get pregnant outside of wedlock in my fucked up society.

Sometimes I think about getting pregnant and how scary that sounds, so I end up writing fiction, just to make sure that I can have a choice if I get accidentally knocked up. A nightmare I don’t want to live by.

Abortion is an option, but not preferable. And please, dear reader, don’t judge me for referring to the matter as an option; indeed it’s a horrid choice, but in some cases that is the only choice you can think about. In some situations you would rather kill a small being that is yet to be alive rather than ruin your life. No one needs more miserable children brought to this world.

Sometimes, when you are sexually active, and you’re not sure how safe you have been, you feel and imagine the worst. And you calm down by two things: negative home pregnancy tests and your first day/hour of your period.

I am happy today, I got my period. So Happy-not-a-mother day for me. I need lots of cakes and chocolates. Some flowers could be nice too.

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Private investigator

Cheating is a common habit that many people do. Many people, men or women, constantly cheat on their partners/spouses. After the first time it becomes a pathological habit that they cannot stop.

I’ve never met a girl who cheated, but I’ve heard about lots of men talking about cheating girlfriends. Sometimes they lack intimacy, romance, love or anything that should make a relationship work. But for most of the men I know, I can’t see it that they lack anything in the relationship, all I know they cheat because they can, and they want to.

After dealing with cheaters, I’ve realized that many cheaters can hide it very well, and the only way to deal with them is through hiring a private investigator – that is when failing to do the task yourself. Men hide it well, they can use a different phone, they can delete messages, they can lie naturally and keep lying. They can make you believe that they’re the best thing that has ever happened to you, manipulate you and make you feel like they’d never cheat on you in any possible way. While you give them all of your trust, they can still be cheating on you with many women.

A friend of mine said that when it comes to cheating, he cannot be with someone he can’t trust. If he was 15 years old, that would be sweet, but he’s 28. Of course you can’t really sustain a relationship with someone you cannot trust, but you can trust them all you can, they can still cheat and they will if they want to.

Men will find a way to cheat on you and you won’t notice, they will take your trust and make you feel like you’re the most amazing person in the whole world, and will cheat. Cheating becomes natural and lying becomes more natural to them.

So, I suggest that you hire someone professional to do it. Not at the beginning of the relationship, but maybe when the relationship become a bit more serious than before. Maybe when you both agree that you love each other and you might want to actually take a next step. Maybe at the beginning when you agree to not see other people. Hire a private investigator, and make sure your partner never finds out. Your partner will be furious when he or she finds out. They will surely break up with you assuming you don’t trust them. But that’s the way it is. You want to trust them, but you have to take precautions. You have to make sure that they’re in fact not lying to you.

Men cheat, yours might be one of them, and you need to make sure that you are aware of that fact, or else you can just keep living with them and not caring. Or you can choose to trust them regardless if they cheat on you or not. You can live in a fantasy and pretend everything is flawless, and lovely. You can live with rainbows and unicorns, but you know you might want to be realistic and save time and energy and know for sure if this partner is trustworthy and honest.

Unless you want to be a in an open relationship, but that is different.

Watch this video on how to act when you’re suspecting he cheats

Cheating

I’m back to talk about cheating.

We all cheat. We cheat during exams, we cheat during playing video games (at least I did when I was a kid), but do we all cheat when it comes to relationships?

We all lie. We lie to our parents, teachers, bosses, and even our friends and partners. We lie about our weight, our cosmetics, hair color, and we even lie about our sex habits.

But when it comes to cheating on our partners, why is it a deal breaker?

I’ve never been in a real relationship to cheat on my partner. I’ve never truly had someone to cheat on. And if I do, and I turn even close to cheating I’d be very much ashamed to myself.

I’ve known many men who cheat, and from the impression they give, they don’t feel ashamed at all. They consider cheating as a “white lie”, like a natural thing they’d do because they have no option, or because that’s how they define themselves. When they admit that they’re cheating, they don’t show any guilt or any shame. They simply make it appear like it’s a habit that most men do.

I’ve heard of many women who cheat, but I’ve never met one. I know that men are driven by testosterone that makes it impossible for them to avoid thinking about sex with a certain person they see or meet. Many men in committed relationships would still go crazy over restraining themselves from cheating.

And many other men who lack no sense of manhood, are exposed to all temptations and would still not cheat, they restrain themselves and remain committed to their spouses. No natter what happens, they know cheating is immoral. They know that they would never forgive themselves if they cheat, and they mostly know that if they cheat they’ll regret it because it means nothing, it added nothing to their manly-hood and it would be just a mistake that means nothing to even think about.

Other men would never ever resist temptation. They yield to it like a goddess to be worshiped. “It’s me.” they say, “it’s who I am.” As if it’s something they were born with. They can say they love their partner, and they would never break up with them. Some of them fear that break up, but would never ever stop that nasty habit of cheating. They’re not designed to be faithful.And when they confess to anyone that they cheat, they would never make it as a big deal. “So, I was cheating on my wife and she left me.” translates to “So yeah what if I was cheating on wife? why does she have to leave me? What did I do wrong?”

I try to be open minded about sex, but when it comes to cheating, I would never forgive the guy for cheating on me. I would never accept, forgive and forget these kind of lies. I had a similar situation, though I was never in a serious relationship, but I can feel how painful it is to be cheated upon. To give all of your trust to someone, and that person simply takes all of your trust and spend it on cheap sex/love. That simply breaks your heart.

And where can someone hide when cheating? If I ever cheat, I would never be able to show my face to the person I hurt.