Maybe this is just another pathetic and sad entry about how no one likes me.
I’m an average girl. I’m not too young, yet not too old. I’m still in my twenties, but why do I have to reach the age of thirty to think that I’m such a pathetic loser who’s now too old and tired of this dating game?
Many women my age find a husband in a second. Most of my high school friends are married. Hell, one of the main reasons I don’t have many friends is because most of my friends are now married, or a in a very good relationship, to hang out with me. Married people don’t find time for anyone. They have the time for everything, but they only want to do it with their spouse and the in-laws.
I’m not actually looking to get married. It’s definitely not my mission in life. But I do want a relationship: Long or short, successful or not, I want someone to love me.
Not just anyone. I’m not being too picky, but at least there should be basic attractions and further admiration. I can’t be involved with someone I feel nothing to, I think that’s harsh.
But every guy I “kind of” like ends up being an asshole: interested only in fucking me and walking away. They make up this crap of being attracted to my personality also, but they’re not in a place where they can actually date or have a relationship.
That’s just bullshit. Some of them end up being married a year later to some random average girl, who’s so different than me.
It happens every time I feel attraction to a guy. I like him, we go out, we laugh we share some fun and nice moments, we find things in common, we might kiss, or not, that depends, and that’s it. Either we have sleep together and that’s it, or we just stop seeing each other. Why? Why does it have to be this way? What is it about me that screams “only fuckable”?
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t pretty or attractive. So I can work more on my personality and when feeling bad about not being admired or liked, I’ll just blame it on my looks. “Is it because I’m ugly/fat?” Is easier than “what the fuck is wrong with me?”.
I come with a package, like everyone else. Why does my package stays with me and I have to tolerate the fact that no one actually wants to be with or my package? They all want me, so badly. But no one wants to be with me. And that’s the nature about being alone. That’s how lonesome can make you a looney.
Few years ago when I honestly liked a guy, he said to his friend “men would kill for her body, including me. Her face isn’t that bad. But it all boils down to personality.”
It’s the personality that hasn’t changed.
And it kills me.